PIYAMBAKAN

Piyambakan means the moment when you are alone and there's nobody who can makes you laugh, cry, or even to talk. I used to be more piyambakan when I was in college a couple years ago and the biggest confession of my life was on the campus event. You know a night that everyone try to know each other because we are sophomore. Knowing that it's hard to find a close friend that I can share all of my feelings and no distance between us makes my life gloomy. In that night, I did talk to the forum and tells everything that I feel. And in the end of my confession, I cried.... Tears can lie that I feel so weak and there's so many fear from my mind and I can't handle it. But, time always walking and I feel surprised that in the end of years I become a student, I have a lot of friends and we are close enough.

Talk about boyfriend, I never know how to have a boyfriend with all of my weakness. I'm not beauty nor smart. My life is plain but I am very grateful that I am surrounded with good and unpredictable people. We did some madness together and I never forget how did we get to the place that we never plan to go there. All I can do now is writing, I always writing with any feeling. In this page, I am sharing my good feeling cause I know how to keep a secret and share my worst feeling in the deepest place. This is not about a journal, I hope all of my text can be a lifetime history that I can show to my son or daughter. I never think how to be a great mom, because I still have a dream and goal that I should reach. When comes the time to  being married, I hope I marry a right guy and I don't want to regret about my choice. Marriage is not easy because I used to be alone and I am not that care to my friends. Even with my family, I never show my caring to them, and I choose my way to love them. 

It's hard to understand me personal. My very close friend just a little, and until now I still learn how to manage my ego and my feeling because I am a moody person. Now I feel happy, but a minutes later,  I cry because thinking about some expectations. My biggest fear is my mind because I am too overthinking and I am very delusional. I imaging everything and it's often playing in my dream. I should write with my hands but there's no more book. Catch me later with other story, promise me that I can be a good lonely traveler and I wanna do that as soon as possible.

note to myself : monologing is addicting